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How to Respond to Toxic Thought Patterns

This post will be a shorter one.

Do you ever hear your friends say terrible things about themselves?  Have you ever wondered how to helpfully respond when they do this?  It can be hard to know exactly what to say, and it's painful to hear a friend say things like, "I'm so stupid", or "I suck at life".  I have heard people I really care about say these things, and I've found myself saying them too.  It's hard on both ends!  So what do we do?

When someone expresses a sentiment like this, don't shut them down.  Clearly, it's something that's been going through their head, and will continue if it's not addressed.  If your friend says "Nobody loves me" or "I'm ugly", clearly this is something they are either believing, or it has just popped up on a whim.  Don't suppress it.  If you respond by saying, "Oh that's terrible, don't say that!", all you are telling them is that you don't want to hear it. It will continue to roll around in their head, and they will feel like they aren't allowed to voice it.  Don't begin with a contradiction, either. By saying, "That's not true" right off the cuff, we communicate that we are listening just to reply, not to understand.

Instead, when someone shares an unhappy thought, start by asking, "What makes you feel that way?" This invites them to dialogue about their thought process, and helps them to address the real problems in their life.  Often times, once they say out loud why they feel the way they do, it becomes much more obvious to them where the error is in their pattern of thinking.  A lot of our insecurities sound silly when we say them out loud, and breaking the silence can be a powerful healing tool.

We can(and should) do this for ourselves, too!  Maybe skip the part about putting yourself down, but find a friend and voice your worries.  Not everyone is a therapist, and not everyone necessarily needs one, but talking to a friend is a good first step toward healthy thinking for everyone!

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