Cooking through Tears

Today I mashed up 4 bananas, and embarked on the task I have been avoiding for days.  Making banana bread is one of my triggers.  It brings me back to the day I first met Vanessa, when she brought chocolate chip banana bread to my house warming party.  We were both new to the city, and trying to make friends.  We joined a blossoming community of young adults, and quickly found our tribe.  She mentioned that day that she had bananas that needed to be used, and I was hosting a potluck, so she made the delightful dish to share.  Before she and her husband left, she asked me if I wanted to keep the leftovers, since there were only 2 of them at home.  I gladly agreed, even though there was only one of me.  Money was tight, and I was stressing about how I would feed myself for the next month.  With the help of my freezer, Vanessa's banana bread kept me fed until the next paycheck.  Even in the midst of my anxiety attacks, when my appetite was low, I really enjoyed the sweet, soft texture.

Early last year, Vanessa was diagnosed with a rare form of back cancer. She had just given birth to her second baby, and now had 2 under 2.  She passed away the following Summer.  Processing this sudden loss has not been easy.  By no means has it been as hard for me as it surely is for her family, but the shock waves continue.  One minute she was walking around at community events, carrying a baby in the front pack, the next she was gone.  I will be having a normal day, and then a little thing reminds me of her, and the grief process starts all over again.  I find the old bath salts that I was going to see if she wanted, because I opened them before wanting to return them.  Then I remember it's too late.  I waited too long to text her and ask.  I will see a Whinnie the Pooh t-shirt, and remember how good she looked in yellow.  Then I try to come to grips with the fact that she is gone.  Today, the dreaded task of making the banana bread brought back the surreal emotions.  The good times are gone so fast.  Why?  Why a woman so young?  Why the mother of a newborn and a toddler?  Why the wife of a husband just taking off in his career?  Why a woman so on fire for Christ and the community?  I will never know.  I feel so selfish writing about my feelings, when her family has been impacted in such a traumatic way.  I was not even as close to her as some of the other moms in the community, but she was always good to me.  God took an angel to her permanent home.  I may never understand His perfect plans and timing in this life, but I hope to see her in the next.  For right now, I will ask you to keep Vanessa and her family in your prayers.  Eternal rest grant to her oh Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in the peace of Christ, and may her family be held close to His loving heart.